“Big Tears Little Hearts” New Chapter- “Quit Living in others Past”

Growing up in a dysfunctional family environment, and who has not?  I did learn a thing or two.  Not to copy or duplicate my parents in some of their ways or thinking.  I learned that “words” are as painful or joyful and physical contact.  I learned “words” must be thought out before spoken, and realizing once said can never be taken back.  Bruises heal, cuts heal, bones heal, but was does not heal is our mind and emotion.

Understand, I am as guilty as the next person when it comes to speaking before thinking, or in anger saying things I regret later.  As I have grown older, I am learning to be more in control of my thoughts and words.

After suffering so many bumps and bruises, I learned some can leave lasting impressions.  Example, I have been injured so many times and especially in the head area, I now still suffer even after many years later problems with my balance, and inner ear.  concussions have a tendency to leave permanent damage and I am a walking result of those.  I have had many bones broken, ear drums broken, muscles torn, joint damage and black eyes.  All primarily from Parental abuse or spouse abuse.  I have only had a few accidents where I got hurt due to other incidents or myself.  What have I learned from all of these injuries?  The human body is remarkable.  It can take a licking and keep on ticking…

The Mind however, does not heal as well.  I still have nightmares, black outs, and lack of memories of periods where my life was in such turmoil.

The Kidnapping and Rape left me damaged for years, and I to this day can not remember much about my childhood, but I can remember the perk who did that to me.  I still see his face and remember everything about that evening.

Why is that?  Why can I remember that so clearly yet, can not remember things most “normal” people can remember?  I could not tell you about past school memories like who was my teachers in grade school, or about some of the friends I had, or the pets I had.  occasionally a name will come to mind, but then it is gone in a flash.  I can remember celebrities, movies, songs, from years ago, but could not tell you who some of my relatives are or were.

I get embarrassed at times because my children can remember things about their childhood that I can not, and in wanting to share family stories or memories or things they should know about their ancestors, I continue to draw blanks all the time.

Losing memories is one of my biggest heart breaks, some I am glad I have lost, but others that should be pleasant or joyful memories are gone too.

What I have learned, not to bring physical pain to anyone I care about, not to bring words that are hurtful to ones I care about, or even strangers.    Defending oneself is important, and I will also do so, however, I never want to bring pain on to anyone who is not deserving.  I will always be protective of my family, friends and God.  I will just always think first before acting out.

I will never be one hundred percent physically healthy due to my past injuries, however, I can work hard and try hard to heal my mind.  Unfortunately, it may be to late for some, and I can not replace or take back any mistakes I have made.  All I can do is try to be a better person and continue my faith.

What I have learned, just because you have been damaged or come from a very bad family environment, or have had some very bad relationships, does not automatically give you a license to do wrong by others, or to yourself.  It also does not warrant you to think the world “owes” you.  I get really tired of seeing other people act out, and think the World owes them something..  Or because our ancestors were treated unfairly millions of years ago, we deserve better treatment than others.

Getting a grip on current world issues and realizing, what happened years ago to someone you may be linked too, does not grant you special favor or treatment.

Just like growing up in a dysfunctional environment, does not mean you have to be an idiot.  What I have learned is I do not want to be an alcoholic, drug attic, abuser, or a dummy relying on others to support me, or judgmental.  I grew up and educated myself, worked to earn my way, and to love all people for their enter beauty, not to be bias, or prejudice or judgmental of their beliefs or lifestyles.  I never noticed color of anyone’s skin, because inside we are all the same color.  The only time I become upset with anyone is because of their bad behavior or being disrespectful.  And, if their attitudes are of self centered, or egotistical and arrogant.  That will rub me the wrong way.

I have learned that substance abuse can take a beautiful mannered person, and change them into a raving lunatic.  Uncaring, and totally self absorbed.  My mother was such a beautiful person on the outside, and when sober, was a beautiful caring person on the inside.  The minute she took her first drink of vodka, her personality would do a 180 turn.  Becoming very mean, and unreasonable.  Vicious and cruel was another side affect.  I had a couple of Ex-husbands who shared the same disease.  They too, could be a total Prince one minute and a villain the next.  Abusive and Cruel are two symptoms that are very common to substance abusers.

I prayed I would never ever become that way.

How do you become a beautiful butterfly after you are battered and torn?  Stay tuned to my next chapter to find out.